It was just another night in my apartment. I’m alone, and miles away from my home. I’m in such a great place in terms of career, but I’m lonely. I’m not worried about what my next meal is going to be, but am I geniunely happy? I’m not sure. There were nights when I reminisce memories of myself munching my favorite Tinolang Manok with my family in our make-shift wooden table back at home in the Philippines. We would talk about victories and problems. We would laugh and quarrel. We only have a roof without a ceiling over our heads, but I can remember how happy and content I felt in those moments. My sister and I would then do the dishes while we sing our favorite songs, our voices echoing in the woods. I miss my family. There are also nights when I think about my man and those days when I get to see him everyday. Now we’re both far away trying to make a living. Every time my thoughts direct to him, I feel a clawing pain in my chest. I no longer remember how it feels to be squeezed in his tight embrace. It’s almost a year now since we last saw each other personally. Everytime I mull and rant about this kind of life of a constant long distance relationship, he just comforts me with the assurance that once we already saved enough fortune, we can both go back home and live normally like we used to. I would just try to relax just so he can stop worrying, however, the thought of having these limitations just never stops flashing back.
Every time I tuck myself to sleep, all I feel is the pain of longing for people and the pain of knowing that I don’t have a choice. It’s funny how I’m lamenting over this. Going far away for work was my personal decision. I told myself it was for a dream. I told myself it was for a future worth fighting for. However, recently, I’m starting to question if this is all really worth it. Is it really worth sacrificing the present in order to prepare for an uncertain future?
I know that I am not the only one. You are going through this, too. Majority, if not all, of us are sacrificing and gambling our present just so we can prepare for a future that we don’t even know will exist. Many of us are giving up our chance to live in the moment just so we can make a living. There are too many of us who are forced to sacrifice things just so we can fullfil society’s expectations. We are all inside modern-day cages. Have you ever wondered if this is all even worth it? Have you ever had the mad idea of escaping the loop, and just say “Fuck! I’m so done with all of this!” As for me, I have.Continue reading “Modern Cages: Is this all even worth it?”